A deep breath

I've taken a lot of those lately, more than I want to.

Most recently, because a soldier in Mike's company was shot by a sniper and later died of his wounds. Very sad news, very real news. The reality of Mike being at war hit me Wednesday morning after reading the notification email. It's one of those emails I really don't want to open, but need to, just so I can be at peace with it. As I clicked on the attachment I prayed it wasn't one of Mike's boys, I just don't know how he would take that. And it wasn't; it wasn't even a name I recognized, but it was someone's son, brother, nephew, grandson. Take a deep breath. And another. I followed that with praise that it wasn't Mike and prayers that I don't waste my days sitting around asking "what if". Another deep breath. I immediately want nothing more than to just hear Mikes voice, if only for a moment; just a reassuring "I'm okay and I love you." I've yet to hear him, but I did receive an email from this today. He said he'd call soon.

More deep breaths as I continue to deal with mommy guilt and stress, lonliness, and a desire like no other to just not have to be a temporary single mother any more. But, I feel like I've made progress with all that. I received some encouraging words from wise friends and mother-in-law. Being a mum just isn't easy; there's no real right or wrong (aside from the obvious teaching my children how to be horrible, awful, people), and absolutely no way, jose, to know how things will turn out. I cannot predict the choices they make down the line, I can only prepare and equip them to make the best possible decisions. I'm not going to know with any certainty that how I/we choose to discipline is going to impact them in the long wrong, but I know what works now and I need to continue to be consistent. All I know, with any certainty, is that I don't what the future holds for them; All I can do is pray for them, with them, and over them, teach them as I believe God asks me, and be the best example I possibly can be for them.

Then there's the good deep breaths, or sighs of relief. Like my mother is going to come in visit in 3 weeks for 10 days. This is what I need, some relief, a break, a chance to venture out of the house alone. And, I have been instructed to do that- "make plans to spend the whole day out of the house" Now, I certainly love my children dearly, but I need time off every now and then. And this will be the first break I've had without any of them since May. I'm not so sure I'll know what to do with myself, but I know C will help me figure out something fun. Two weeks later, my brother and his family will be out here undergoing a majorly, intense, debriefing since they were led by God to leave Central Asia. I won't spend tons of time with them, but I will have some. As we near Christmas, my in-laws will be venturing out here and will stop off in LA and the Springs. So, we'll have family here close to, if not on, Christmas. The decision I had to make to not return to MI for the holidays was a difficult one, but knowing that we'll be headed there after Mike's return helped me to realize the financial burden 2 trips to MI would have on us and it is far more important to return with Mike. After my in-laws leave, I'll be able to start a realistic countdown to Mike's return, as in within 2-3 months! Major, deep, sigh of relief. Mixed in to all of those happenings is Halloween (Ivie is going to be a princess and Elly a dragon), my 29th birthday, Thanksgiving (I have to admit I am looking forward to NOT having to make a large dinner...can anyone say Banquet frozen meals?), and Ivie's 4th (gulp) birthday! We have a lot of happenings to get us through.

I know there will be many more deep breaths and deep sighs of relief, but as long as I remember to keep breathing, I'll manage just fine.