I have been following a few blogs for a while, some of them for years, and I am always so fascinated by the interesting things that happen in my friend's lives, or the inspirational readings I stumble upon. Then I re-read through my happenings and think, "this is so stinkin' boring, who on earth actually reads any of this?" I don't know why I am hard on myself, I basically started blogging to keep our friends and family updated on our happenings, but sometimes I guess I just wish I could be insightful or witty or exciting. I continue my negativity by telling myself maybe I should have taken more than one class at college (for that matter, actually have shown up for my final and passed the class) or I should wake every morning before the sun rises so I can read books to help make me smarter, maybe I should go back to college and figure out how to manage during my temporary- single-motherhood. Those negative thoughts lead into guilt about my children and their education- maybe I should homeschool, but I doubt I'm smart enough to teach the wee ones past first or second grade, how can I talk with the wee ones, especially the girls, about making good, educational decisions when I've been a complete flake about my higher education? Then there's the religion and my lack of a walk with God and how horrible that impacts not only myself, but the wee ones. Guilt and negativity has such a snowball effect around here. Somehow or another I end up feeling guilty about not having practiced my marimba solo enough before "Solo and Ensemble" my senior year and having to withdraw that event at the last minute to save myself from mass embarrasment. Seriously, now!
I know that my walk with God is not where it needs to be and that has probably led to Satan sneaking in and filling me with such self-doubt and regrets. But, I am working on that. I have started attending a Bible study at my church (where I never go) with the Military Ministry. I have to admit that putting myself in a situation where I don't know anyone and have the potential to be very vulnerable scares me to my core, but I'm going anyway. We met this past Tuesday for the first time and I am hoping to find myself growing more and more comfortable with other wives and actually allowing myself to be open so I may grow in my relationship with the Lord. I enjoyed my homework so much that I actually did 3 days worth that first night! I don't know the last time I spent quiet time doing something just for me (not laundry, cleaning, picking up toys, etc). And, it was so exciting to feel like I was doing something to better myself.
I also have been trying to be more intentional with discipline. It's very hard being the sole disciplinarian in the household. I don't have someone here to help me, encourage me, support me or follow through. I think because I get so overwhelmed with that I tend to not be so consistent, or even lenient at times. I have to remind myself that I am trying to instill obedience in the wee ones not just for me and my sanity, but for their greater good too. Most importantly, for their relationship with Christ. If I don't teach them how to be obedient to me, how can I ever think they'll have an obedient and rich relationship with the Lord? Thanks to a Godly friend, I have a new resource from which to seek support. Thanks C!
So, it seems as though the past weeks I've been absent from here but totally overwhelmed in my mind. I've reached the point in the deployment that I am just ready for this all to be done; I want to be a whole family again, I want to actually see my husband (I fear that I forgot what he looks like), I want the wee ones to be able to play with their daddy, I want Alden to actually know his father, I just don't want to be alone anymore. I've acquired a new respect for single parents; this is one tough job. I am so blessed to not have to balance a job on top of everything else, and I also know that, God willing, my single parenting days will come to an end, even if that's just temporary, there's still and end.
I've got 5-6 more months ahead of me, so this is way too early to feel like that. But, we're being told their 15 months has turned into 14. That's exciting but nothing I'm planning on until he's manifested in Kuwait. I know that Mike's return home will bring a different kind of stress into our home, but I'm working on getting myself in a better place so that I am equipped to handle that.
My little man is summoning me (not a normal thing around here at this time of night) so I must put my "me-ness" on hold and go mother him. Prayers are definitely welcomed, and much needed.
2 comments:
For me at least, as soon as I find myself being consistent and the boys being obedient, I start to slack off and we start the whole cycle again. *sigh* At least I think each time we don't start quite so far back. Sort of a 2 steps forward, one step back thing. This parenting thing is very interesting...and hard. :)
Prayers offered up for you.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. I struggle with the same thought patterns, though I beat myself up over different things. I friend told me this morning that God has extended grace to me and asked why it's so hard to extend grace to myself. You are a wonderful and beautiful woman, wife and mom. You are loved by God and cherished by Him (and by the rest of us!) He knows every need and refreshes your spirit when you need it most. Seek after him and soak up his word, which has the power to transform you. Hang in there dear friend. You CAN do it, by His grace. Love you lots and I'm proud of you too.
Post a Comment